Funny

Stages of Starting And Inevitably Quitting A Diet

Stages of Starting And Inevitably Quitting A Diet

1.

The “I Need A Change” Moment

This is usually when your favorite pair of jeans suddenly won’t fit, or you aren’t comfortable enough to take your shirt off at the pool, or you spend a day lying down with a massive stomachache from the pints of ice cream you inhaled. You simply know a change is needed.

2.

The Fun Search For A Diet

You’re just a-Googling your little heart out, super motivated to find something that’s going to get you the body you want, and the health you need!

3.

The Young, Dumb Diet Shopping Sesh

You’re trying this special diet that’s limiting you to very specific foods, and you’re very serious about following it to a T. You’re merrily strutting down aisles, passing all of you vices with your nose in the air. The breads, the cookies, the chips, they’re like spotting your ex in the club – you saw ‘em, but you damn sure aren’t gonna give them the satisfaction of being acknowledged. You even give some side eye to the cheeses, but the extra shade-throwing is only because deep down you fear that you’ll inevitably be back, falling into cheese’s warm embrace.

4.

The Foolishly Hopeful Moments Before Game Time

You’ve got all your groceries out and you’re anxious, dare I say, excited to change your lifestyle and eat all of this boring shit! Hooray! You might even Instagram a picture of all the colorful fruits and veggies you plan on devouring this week, to stunt on everyone who hasn’t been to a produce section recently. You’re going to do this. New diet, new you…hopefully.

5.

The Realization That This Isn’t As Delicious As Pizza

Early on it’s evident that this food, no matter how “not bad,” it is, isn’t as magnificent as the foods you truly desire. Uh-oh. No amount of lemon juice and pepper you drench your chicken breast in will compare to fried chicken strips submerged in dipping sauces. You’ll slowly realize that everything in your fridge and pantry is disappointing. Still, you’ll continue cramming healthy stuff down your throat, you just won’t enjoy it.

6.

The Growing Irritation

All this healthy food takes forever to prepare. Cooking is messy, and you have to clean your kitchen and do dishes. You’re annoyed with the entire process… And where are your abs, huh?! How long are you supposed to do this healthy crap before you can see some dang results?

7.

The Moment When You Have A Snickers Because You’re Just Not Yourself

You’re fed up. You’re not quite hangry, because you’ve eaten plenty, but because it’s not the food you want, you’re grouchy. People shouldn’t cross you, because you’re that fussy three-year-old who hasn’t had their nap and is stuck at some place they don’t want to be, that doesn’t have toys or cartoons in sight. Your mood at this point will simply be hating everything.

8.

The Point When You Think You Deserve A Reward

You’ve eaten right, you’ve made a great effort, and you deserve a pat on the back. You’ll allow yourself to indulge on a tasty treat. Just a little something that isn’t necessarily nutritious, but will satisfy your craving for sugar, grease, or sugary greasiness. It’s just a small fix, nothing major. You’ll be back to eating healthy after thing.

9.

The Stumble Down The Slippery Slope

That tiny, delicious albeit unhealthy choice leads to a complete relapse. You’ve cheated on your diet, and it wasn’t like you drunkenly made out with a stranger, you had full-blown affairs with numerous mistresses while your mind was entirely coherent.

10.

The Whatever.

You kind of regret derailing from your diet, but you’re also relieved that it’s over. There’s some self-loathing as you cry tears of sadness and joy while devouring foods you missed during the brief healthy stint. Now, you fully fall back into eating whatever you please…

…Until one day, your favorite pair of jeans suddenly won’t fit, or you aren’t comfortable enough to take your shirt off at the pool, or you spend a day lying down with a massive stomachache from the pints of ice cream you inhaled. Then, you’ll search for a new diet.

by Lara